The TRUTH About Hermione VERSION 20
by dEath-2-sParky
Summary: The Truth About Hermione... my first and forgotton fic... CHAPTER 3! WEEEEEEE! read and review... or you might just get shanked...
1. Goodbye Good Girl

Disclaimer: None of this is mine. If it was you wouldn't be reading this because I suck at writing and Harry Potter would have never been published. All hail JK and Jesus. (Johnny Damon of course)

Authors Note: some of you might remember me putting this story up a couple of years ago. I vowed to finish it before I turned 14. Well guess what? I'm now 16, and in my absence another HP book was published and I never got passed chapter 3. Well here is the updated chapter 1, and I hereby solemnly swear to finish this story before I turn 17 (hehehe…)

The TRUTH About Hermione

CHAPTER 1

Goodbye Good-Girl

It was a week before Halloween in Harry, Ron, and Hermione's sixth year at that extraordinary school of witchcraft and wizardry that we all love so much… uh no not Durmstrang, Hogwarts you numskull. Anyways, they were all rather happy. There was no news of good old Voldie… but there had been a strange increase in squirrel homicide and muffin thefts but no one seemed to care, not even me 'cause this sad excuse for a fan fiction isn't about baked goods and dead mammals.(COMING SOON! The Hardy Boyz and the Mystery of the Missing Muffins and the Mutilated Mammals)

Hermione had come back from the summer holidays, for lack of a better term, a total fucking hottie. Several of Hogwarts' male occupants had noticed. Ron had been staring at her with his mouth open drooling more often then he did the year before which in itself was a large amount of time. Since the Wizarding Health class the sixth years had been forced to take at the beginning of the year, she had been acting rather strange. She had skipped several meals and was seen disappearing down dark corridors and returning with her hair all askew and her shirt only half buttoned. Most disturbing of all she only studied four hours a day instead of her usual six and had gotten only 92 on a quiz. Harry noticed this and was starting to get worried about her. Hermione was like a sister to him. Ron would have been to, but he was to busy staring at her chest. Not that you could blame the guy… I mean damn it's nice…

Now Harry wasn't stupid. Not being able to find Canada on a map of North America could happen to any one. What Hermione was up to was about as obvious as a pro wrestler trying to hide amongst 4th grade catholic school girls (heh heh… Kane in a skirt…). This scared him. To think that Hermione, the stereotypical goodie two shoes was doing such things. It would have scared Ron to, but let's face it, even when he wasn't ogling Hermione, Ron never was the brightest tool in the shed.

Hermione had just left dinner after barely eating for the second time that week when Harry decided to take some action. "Ron?" Harry asked. "Have you noticed Hermione has been acting rather odd lately?"

"No, not really." Answered Ron, contemplating the physics of jell-o.

"Well of course you haven't. You've been to busy ogling her since we saw her at Kings' Cross."

"Yeah well it's not my fault she- wait… you weren't just insinuating that i'm head over heels ass-backwards in love with her were you?! HUH PUNK WERE YOU?!" said Ron menacingly while he grabbed his butter knife. By this time the entire Great Hall was staring at them. Except Seamus who was chancing a peek at Dean's ass.

"Err… of course not Ron… just put down the butter knife…" Harry said, fear evident in his voice.

"Good 'cause if you were…" Ron said, giving Harry a dangerous look.

After confiscating all of Ron's utensils he continued. "Hermione has been acting rather strange lately don't you think? Skipping meals, going into dark corridors and coming back with her hair all askew and her shirt only half buttoned." At the last part Ron's eyes started to glaze over like a child on Christmas morning. "You know, sometimes I worry about your mental health Ron…" Ron did not look happy about that comment. Harry held his fork close, just incase Ron was in one of those moods…

"You know, now that I think about it she has been acting odd. She has only been studying for four hours a day instead of six… and that 92. On a Quiz, One for Transfiguration. That's just not like Hermione. Your right Harry, but what do you think is wrong with her? Is she sick? Do you think it has anything to do with those dead squirrels we found? Or…"Ron whispered "him?" Ron asked frantically, gesturing off to his right.

"Malfoy?" Harry asked.

"No,Seamus… I think he's gay…" Ron said, cautiously.

"Okay… anyways… Well if I'm not mistaken…" Harry began. "I think Hermione has been engaging in certain 'extracurricular' activities"

"What like Quidditch or something?" asked Ron, a confused look on his face.

"Ron you dolt, do I have to spell everything out for you?" Harry exclaimed.

"Probably" Ron said thoughtfully.

"Why do I even bother with him?" Harry asked himself. "Hermione has been sleeping around Ron! Doing it with every Tom, Dick, and Harry who comes up!"

This seemed to gotten some of the point across to Ron. "M-my Mione? A-a-a scarlet women? E-every Tom, Dick and… and… HARRY?!?!?!?!?" In the blink of an eye Ron's expression had changed from one of shock to one of extreme fury. Ron grabbed his butter knife stood up and yanked Harry out of his seat and held the butter knife to Harry's neck. "YOU… YOU SLEPT WITH HERMIONE DIDN'T YOU?!?!?!?!? WELL?!?!? WELL?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?".

Harry nearly wet himself. "Er… of… of… course not Ron… I-i-it was just an expression…" Harry said in a small voice.

"WELL YOU BETTER NOT HAVE!!!!!!!" Ron bellowed. "BECAUSE IF YOU DID, I WILL END YOUR EXISTENSE MISTER BOY WHO LIVED THEN GOT A BUTTERKNIFE SO FAR UP HIS ASS HE COULD TASTE THE BUTTERY GOODNESS!"

Harry really did wet himself that time. "Come on Ron…l-l-lets not jump to conclusions… put down the butter knife…"

Later in the Common Room after Ron had calmed down and Harry had changed his robes, the two were discussing What to do about Hermione. "You sure your not mistaken? I mean there was that time with Canada and that map and the time you thought Ginny was stealing your clothes and that thing about Draco Malfoy and the 'Mole Man' and-"

"Alright alright so I have been wrong before but I'm not wrong this time, Ron."

"…And when we were at that party and-"

"Ron, I already told you… someone spiked my butter beer, and you swore a vow of silence…" Harry reminded the red-headed wonder.

"True… so what do you propose my pot-headed friend?"

"Well I say we- oh hello Hermione where have you been?" Hermione had just walked in the Common Room, and as usual (or unusual actually…) her hair was askew and her shirt only half buttoned. The child-on-Christmas look had returned to Ron's face again.

"Oh nowhere, just the library." She said.

"But we checked the library. Five times." Said Ron worriedly.

" Oh… well you must not have looked hard enough then." said Hermione nervously. "I'm going to bed, I'm tired."

"I bet you are…" Harry said quietly as she said goodnight and nervously walked up to the Girls' dormitories. He turned to Ron. "Tomorrow we follow her." Ron nodded blankly at were she had just stood.

Authors Note: There goes Chapter 1 v. 2.0. Hope you liked it. Please review. If you don't, I might just cry… sniffle


	2. Unlawful Detainment and the Infamous Int...

Disclaimer?: I own nothing. If I did, I wouldn't be sitting here writing this. I would be in New York City pointing and laughing at dumb Yankees fans. And anytime one tries to attack me my secret ninja bodyguards would jump out and save me. Just so you all know: Johnny Damon is Jesus.

Authors Note?: What time is it? TOOL TIME!!!!! Today we will be building a chapter 2!....Hey look! I'm done!

Chapter 2: More stuff happens…

Hermione had learned a lot of things since the beginning of the year. She had learned several handy potions, how to manipulate almost any boy, and that Draco Malfoy happens to like them.

Hermione had found some fun in seducing anything with a dick and doing some stuff with them, like play Monopoly, Hopscotch, hang out after class, and of course fuck like cute little bunny-rabbits. After this she would stop talking to the person, except that deaf fourth year because she never spoke sign language in the first place. Why she had a date with that Slytherin fifth year, Mike Something or other…the guy who was overly obsessed with chickens and pro wrestling. Never mind, his name wasn't important anyway. Why did she do this you ask? Maybe it was because her shoes were too tight. Or maybe her head wasn't screwed on just right. But probably the most likely reason of all- was that maybe her thong was two sizes to small. Or that the person she really cared about was as dumb as a post with a rusty nail sticking out of the top at a 37.926 degree angle in the middle of a ferocious lightning storm, being gnawed on by an oversized weasel, and would only consider going for you if you were part vela or tricked him into it (he was that dumb). Speaking of weasels, one was in Harry's pants right now if you catch my drift… (Oooh yea! Go Harry!) Anyways, this made her sad, but hey, she was hot. She could get almost any other guy she wanted or didn't want.

Hermione was getting worried though. Was it just her imagination or was Ron staring at her a lot? Well more than usual anyway. And Harry… when she had talked to him in the common room he had acted as though he knew something… no ... Couldn't be. Ron was to busy starring at anything with breasts and Harry couldn't even find Canada on a map. One of North America no less!

Although it was fun seducing all these boys, it was all just a mask. Inside she just wanted someone to love and love her back. Isn't that what we all want? Well… most of us anyway. You get a few weird ones in every breed. Like me for instance… but that's a different story. "If only Ron wasn't so… Ron-ish… oh well… who gives a care anyway…" Well she does for one but that's beside the point. "I can't keep moping… I got a date tomorrow… with Mike what's his name…" And so Hermione went to sleep. She needed to look hot for chicken-man.

The classes the next day went pretty uneventful until potions, 'cause everything always happens in potions. Unless it happens in Transfiguration or Herbology or Divination or Care of Magical Creatures or History of Magic or Defense against the Dark Arts or up in the common room after dinner. The class was working on a potion to turn apples into oranges and donkeys into asses while Snape looked at Play – wizard magazine under his desk. Harry and Ron were working on there potion while Hermione worked with Neville across the room. That's were the trouble started. Ron was adding pickled foot of naked mole – rat when Neville dropped his bottle of snake urine. Hermione being the good hearted slut she was bent down to pick it up. This was a mistake. When she did her bright blue thong showed. This caught Ron's eyes. He stared wide eyed at the small miracle before his eyes and kept pouring in the foot of the naked mole-rat. And kept pouring and pouring until his potion was about the consistency of nitro-glycerin. Green nitro-glycerin. That's the best kind.

"Uh Ron? Ron? RON! I think that's enough of the naked mole-rat. RON!" Harry said frantically as now the potion was bright green, foaming, and making a strange whistling noise. This was much like Ron himself, with the lack of blood flow to his brain.

Harry tried desperately to stop what was about to happen next. The entire content of the jar was in the potion by this time. The red-err- I mean green-hot potion exploded showering half of the class with the liquid, which left large burning blisters, which all had a refreshing citrussy smell.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?" Snape asked standing up and letting his Play-wizard drop to the floor. He looked down at himself and sat down quickly. "POTTER! WEASLEY! BOTH OF YOU DETENTION TONIGHT AT 6 'O CLOCK! Now you two and anyone who was hit go see Madame Pomfrey. I don't need another lawsuit on my hands."

"Damn Ron, what happened in there? You looked like the Chudley Cannons had just one the world cup or something." Harry said as they made there way to the Hospital Wing, both sporting mild burns.

"Lets just say it was something just ass- I mean as nice." Ron said, his eyes starting to glaze over again.

"Ron are you alright? Is something wrong?" Harry asked, sounding a little concerned.

"Yeah yeah she's fine. There's nothing thong." Ron said in a distant voice.

"Umm Ron? You just said that she's fine and there's nothing thong."

"No I didn't"

"Yes im pretty sure that's what you said, in fact I'm positive that's what you said."

"No I didn't…"

"Yes you did now who is fine and wearing a thong? I know Malfoy wears them but I don't see why you'd be staring at him. And stop looking at me like that…" Harry said as Ron slowly etched away from him.

"Alright… I'm not going to ask… and for the last time I wasn't staring at Hermione's ass!" Ron said in a tone of finality.

"Uh Ron? I never said you were. That just tells me that you actually were."

"Oh what do you know Mr. I-see-talking-monkeys?"

"Hey! That was only that one time!" Harry screamed getting the attention of all the other students marching to the Hospital Wing.

"Yeah… anyway what do you think Snape will give us for detention? Hope it won't take to long 'cause we still got to follow Hermione today."

"Can't be that bad… he doesn't want another lawsuit."

AFTER THE DETENTION

Oh how wrong they were. "Was that even legal?" Ron asked after a nasty detention (Scrubbing the entire dungeon and his feet, hair, and back, etc.)

"Well I'm pretty sure giving him a sponge bath wasn't…"Harry said in disgust.

"Yeah I- Harry look!!!" Ron grabbed Harry and pulled him behind a statue of a one armed wizard. Hermione had just come out of an abandoned classroom, her hair askew and her clothes messed up, with a Slytherin fifth year. "Hey it's that Mike kid… I'll tear him limb from limb…" said Ron in a slightly disturbing voice.

They listened intently trying to catch a bit of their conversation.

"No need to thank me for that little ride, Hermione. You were good too. You lack my veteran expertise, but with time you could be great. We should do that again sometime" drawled on the Slytherin boy in a slightly sleazy voice.

"Are you trying to tell me you'd done that before?" said Hermione in an amazed voice.

"What makes you think I haven't?" said Mike, his confidence fading.

"Because," stated Hermione, "I had to explain to you how to do it…and I don't know if you already knew, but you were really bad."

"I…I was?" he said shakily.

"Yea… and you have a really small dick too." Hermione said nonchalantly.

"You… you don't know what you're talking about… it's plenty big!"

"No, no it really isn't. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be leaving now. Don't bother to write."

"But I love you…" said Mike dumbly, hoping this would convince her to stay.

"Well then, sucks to be you."

With that, Hermione made her exit. Harry was struggling to keep run under control until Hermione was out of site. This was quite a task, and it was a miracle he was able to do it. Once she was safely out of site, Harry released the 175 pounds of pure unadulterated fury that was none other than Ron Weasley. What ensued was such a grotesque display of violence that Mick Foley himself would have cringed. Right then and there Harry vowed never to cross Ron… because that just looked so utterly painful.

After Ron had taken out every ounce of his pent up aggression on the life-less blob formerly known as Mike, he and Harry returned to the common room. Hermione was off in the corner doing homework. Harry and Ron sat in two of the empty chairs and started to discuss the problem at hand.

"You were right Harry, Hermione is doing the things you said… I can't believe it." Ron said in a subdued tone.

"Don't look so down Ron, we will think of something." Harry said soothingly.

Harry and Ron were so deep in conversation they wouldn't have noticed a nuclear war break out behind them. Then again… if that did happen they would be dead before they noticed. However they in fact were not dead. Although they still didn't notice Ginny listening to their every word.

"So…" the red-headed interloper interloped. "It seems to me that my dear brother and his good friend Harry are having trouble with a certain brown haired bookish little slut?"

"I have no idea what you are talking about "said Ronn-o the great matter-of-factly.

"Oh please Ron, this is nothing I haven't heard before. Trust me, I everything about this subject that you do." Ginny said, smiling wickedly.

"How?" Ron said dumbly.

"I have my ways of extracting information from certain sources." With this Ginny discretely winked at Harry. "Don't worry big brother I'm here to help. If you want I could try to do a little girl talk with Hermione and see what I can dig up"

"That would be great Ginny! We'd really appreciate it!" Harry squealed.

"Do you really think that's such a good idea Harry?" Ron stated nervously.

"Yes Ron, I think it's a great idea. See what you can dig up, Ginny, and report back after dinner tomorrow."

With that, Weasel and the Stoner went to bed, while Femme-Weasel went to have a heart to heart with the Genius slut.

Author's Note: That is chapter 2. I Promise Chapter 3 and more idiocy soon. Until then I bid you all farewell, and of course, review, or P-Diddy will kill you.

New from the people who brought you Vote or Die!:

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A program devoted to getting young people of America to review. Or P-Diddy will kill them.


	3. Harry's an ass man

Disclaimer: Go ahead. Sue me if ya want. I ain't got shit. But technically I do own my pants, which I'm not wearing right now. Yup, I'm writing without pants on. It's so liberating…

Author's Note: Here's chapter 3. This is how far I got with the original. Just to warn you, I'm going over-seas on vacation for a while, so don't expect chapter 4 for another 3 weeks at least, unless I get shot. I am going to Israel... See you all around mid December. I love you all dearly, except those who read and don't review, in which case you make me cry.

CHAPTER 3: (insert name here)

After returning from the Hospital Wing for the second time in two days, (the grease from Snape's hair had soaked into their skin, and they had caught fire when trying to burn there robes), Harry and Ron were at breakfast discussing the days course of action. They had agreed that following Hermione and carefully monitoring her and recording any information unearthed by Ginny.

"Following them will be easy. We can use our secret ninja training…" Ron whispered.

"But Ron…"

"And we'll take out anyone who goes near Hermione or my baby sister…" He whispered again.

"Ron ix-nay on the…"

"We can also use it to sneak into the girls' showers…" Ron, drooling slightly.

"Hey! We don't have ninja powers Ron." Harry finally stated.

"Oh yeah, I get it, we definitely don't have ninja powers. Nope, no powers here" Ron said, winking at Harry.

The dynamic duo, now finished with their food stood up and left the Great Hall, discussing ways of tracking Hermione without unveiling their super secret ninja training. Eventually they came to the obvious answer of Harry's invisibility cloak. Just then they walked into something very much solid and very much invisible. Coincidence? Well yes actually it was, but no matter.

"IS THAT YOU IVAN? CAN YOU HEAR ME?" Ron shouted, while groping around in front of him.

"Ron, who the bloody hell is Ivan?" Harry asked. "I didn't even know there was an Ivan at Hogwarts."

"…Come to think of it… I don't know anyone named Ivan… And you're right Harry, I don't think we do have an Ivan in the school…" Harry and Ron stood their utterly perplexed, contemplating the invisible phenomenon which most likely was not in fact Ivan, when a familiar voice came from nowhere.

"Maybe we shouldn't have experimented on him as a baby…I kind of almost feel sort of in the least bit remorseful. I didn't think that was possible." It said.

"Nah… it was too much fun not to…" said another, identical voice. "Plus, he's so dumb its fun to watch him try to think. You can almost smell the fire..."

"Fred? George? Is that you? Where are you?" Harry asked.

"Harry, it can't be my brothers. They left remember?" mused the match-stick headed man.

"Hence the sneaking in part, Ronald my boy." said one, while they whipped off Harry's invisibility cloak. "We're here on top secret business." said the twin that Harry and Ron figured must be George, due to the fact that the sweater he was wearing had a large letter "F" on it. "Ginny said she had urgent business for us. She told us to nick your cloak as not to be seen. She didn't think you'd mind terribly." continued what was suspected to be Fred. "We also took your diary. Quite an interesting read."

At this Harry turned slightly green.

"But I don't have a diary."

"Then why does it have your name on it?" accused Fred as he manifested a small green book that stated clearly on the cover: The Diary of Harry J Potter. Do Not Read. Fred opened up the book and began reading.

"September 1. Finally I got away from the Dursleys, Its pure hell there. The train ride was pretty much the same as usual. Malfoy bothered us, we cursed him, Neville lost track Trevor, Hermione read, and Ron stared at her. But while they were out at their Prefects meeting me and Ginny made out like wild pigs. It was crazy! She also has a really nice ass, I love squeezing it while we kiss. It's so nice and squishy. Ron, Fred, George, and all of her other siblings would probably severely injure, if not kill me if they found out." recited Fred, while Harry tried to find a hole to hide in. 'Oh well,' he thought, 'at least they haven't read more recent entries'.

"We never knew you felt that way about are sister Harry." said George calmly. Too calmly…

"Y...you're not angry?" Harry asked.

"Oh we're fuming." piped in Fred.

"We should go owl Percy, Bill, and Charlie right now."

"But we won't."

"You Won't?" Harry said relieved.

"We aren't even going to do anything about it."

"Nope," said Fred. "Ron's enough."

Harry then heard someone growling. He turned and saw Ron standing next to him, foaming at the mouth and a freshly sharpened pencil in his hand. He seemed about 8 feet tall, and Harry had only seen him madder when Hermione was involved.

"Aw shit… AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! RON WAIT!!!!!!!! OW THAT'S SHARP YOU BASTARD! AHHH!!!!!" Harry screamed in agony while the twins put back on the cloak and went in search of Ginny.

LATER IN THE BAT CAVE

"HURRY ROBIN! THE JOKER'S ESCAPED!" yelled Batman, grabbing his utility belt from a hook while running towards the Batmobile.

"I'M COMING BAT- hey wait a second… who the hell are you people?" said Robin, half-way to the car himself.

Batman turned around to see who Robin was talking to and to stared at all the random people just watching their every move.

"Holy flame broiled hobo Batman. They're just watching us…"

"QUICK ROBIN! THEY KNOW THE LOCATION OF THE BAT CAVE! GET THEM BEFORE THEY ESCAPE!"

IN THE HALLS AFTER MUCH RUNNING

"You didn't have to jam that pencil in my forehead Ron…" Harry said resentfully.

"You shouldn't touch my sister. Especially not her ass." muttered Ron, anger threatening to rise again.

"Well you'd touch Hermione's ass if you could. You stare at it often enough."

"No I don't!" he yelled with just the slightest hint of a blush.

"Whatever you say Ron, whatever you say…"said the baby wonder, as they headed for the common room.

"Hey Ron… What do you think Gred and Forge showed up for?" Harry said in the common room, waiting for Fred and George to return with Ginny so the following could commence.

"I don't know, Ginny must need help from one of their gadgets…" said the man whose hair, contrary to popular belief, was not in fact, on fire.

"I wonder why we didn't think of that sooner..."

"Because Ron is to busy thinking of Hermione naked, and you can't even find Canada on a map of North America!" interrupted George.

"…You guys are never going to let me forget that are you…"

"Nope." said Fred.

"Well what do you guys want now?" Harry asked.

"We want to come with."

"No way." Harry said. "You can't come."

"I think you should reconsider," said George. Or Fred. Or maybe even Tim. "Or our dear mother just might fall into the possession of a certain diary…"

"…You guys suck…"

"We'll take that as a yes."

"Fine but you've got to tell me something."

"What?"

"Do you guys no someone named Tim?"

"…No…"

"Okaaaay…"

Authors Note: There's chapter 3. Be on the lookout for chapter 4 in mid December. Until then, so long. And remember-

**_Review Or Die_**


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